It’s May 18th. The Mariners are a full game ahead of the Texas Rangers in the AL West (thank you Khris Davis). There is a lot to be excited about, but what could be more exciting than a mid-week comparison of our favorite Seattle Mariners Baseball Club/organization to Simpson characters? That’s right loves, nothing is better.
Per a highly productive conversation with Mariners Twitter last night, I give you the 2016 Seattle Mariners (plus a few extra), Simpson edition:
All words written are mine (except for the Mendoza anecdote, Thank you Joe), but all of the comparisons were given to me from the beautifully talented minds of Twitter. H/t to @whoisjoserivera, @1nceagain2zelda, @JoeVeyera, @matthiasellis, @Moose_Bigelow, @Leonard_Su, @jtsweezo, @TheDeeJenks and whoever else I missed through thinking through this idea with me.
Jerry Dipoto as Hank Scorpio: Jerry Dipoto has proved himself to be a sorcerer of some sorts, using his power to “rule the world, and his employees’ health”. He is the ultimate leader, always putting the Mariners first, but also has the desire to destroy all the people who did not believe in him in process (Angels we’ll get to you later). THE SMILES!
Manny Acta as Bumblebee Man: Our charming, multi-talented third base coach. The comparison between the two probably end at the fact they both speak Spanish, as Manny is not clumsy and changes his clothes far more often than Bumblebee Man, but I had to include the team’s most prolific social media connoisseur. Bumblebee’s “Aye aye no buneo” could probably equal Manny Acta telling runners at third, “Aye aye no running if you’re not Ketel.”
Dave Sims as Dr. Hibbert: Funny, naturally good-hearted guys. They both have a tendency to laugh in situations that do not necessarily warrant a laugh, or come up with questionable responses to things. In short, “A-heh-heh-heh” = “Giddy up! Baby! Giddy up!”
Felix Hernandez as Bart Simpson: There is nothing quite like like our fearless leader. With his boyish antics and ability to get out of (most) trouble he faces, it is hard not to draw the comparison between these two. Look, they even have the same hair!
Nathan Karns as Lisa Simpson (purely personality comparison): Like Lisa, Nathan is kind of like the middle child of the rotation. Kind of forgotten about until he does something good. Lisa is smart and reserved, always perfecting her craft and always the one to save the day when no one expected it. Nathan was the surprise no one dreamed of, and is always the calming and rational voice at the end of the rotation.
Robinson Cano as Bartman: Bartman is the alter ego of Bart Simpson. Bartman is out to find
Andy Van Slyke the man with the snake tattoo, and avenge his parents’ death. Bartman’s talents include climbing walls and gliding. Cano’s talents include stalwart defense, bubblegum popping and… gliding. Bartman is the cape-wearing, jewel-saving superhero of Gotham. Cano has been our own cape-wearing superhero of Safeco this year. Plus they are both really rich.
Nelson Cruz as McBain: Nelson Cruz is currently slashing .281/.379/.511, so it is safe to say that he has conquered the… MEEENNDOOOZZZAA. They are both also known for their philanthropic efforts, and for helping children. Also, very large muscles.
Joel Perlata as Dr. Nick: Wants to be good in theory, but no so much in practice. Dr. Nick and Joel are both of a Hispanic descent. Both have questionable credentials, but there *is* still a reason they’re both still around.
Wade Miley as Nelson Muntz: Nelson the character is often the antagonistic bully of the Simpsons crew. Like Nelson, Miley is the shortest bully of the bunch, but no one can stand up to him. Wade takes down pitch counts like Nelson takes Bart’s lunch money. It also could just be the hair?
Leonys Martin and Dae-Ho Lee as Lenny and Carl: Our beautifully diverse baseball friendship. Lenny and Carl are not the likeliest of friends, but they balance each other out. Although their post home-run handshakes probably have nothing on Leonys and Dae-Ho’s. Side note: Leonys and Lenny? Too easy.
Steve Cishek as Ned Flanders: They are both quirky, funny and godly men who love their families. Both Steve and Ned aim to do all right in the world. We may get upset if Cishek has a bad outing, but in the end we cannot stay mad at him. They are both of most pure of hearts, and they both have a side that is willing to accept Thousand Foot Krutch. Diddly-DANGERUPINTHISCLUBBBB!
Nori Aoki as Hans Moleman: They are both known for having extremely bad luck or extremely good luck (nothing in between), both are short, both *probably* run questionable defensive routes. Nonetheless, we love our Norichika.
Chris Iannetta as Superintendent Chalmers: “SKINNNNNER, if you wanna be a man, get a (expletive) out!” – Chalmers to Principle Skinner, probably.
Seth Smith as Principle Skinner: I have no words, other than Thank you Jose and Love you Dad.
Andy Van Slyke as Grimes: Grimes was probably the most annoying character on the show, he was not always present, but always giving his two cents when it was not warranted. Sound like someone we know? Ask yourself, is there really a difference? — “I can’t stand it any longer. This whole planet in insane. Insane, I tell you!” Andy Van Slyke to the Mariners current standings, probably.
The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim as the Unibrow Baby: Gerald Samson was a baby left at a discount store in Springfield. Gerald is often viewed as Maggie Simpson’s rival, much like the Mariners are the Angels’ AL West rival. Now I’m not saying the Angels are a lesser version of the Mariners, but Jerry is working out just fine in Seattle.
There were so many other fun comparisons that were mentioned, but I could not possibly list them all. Feel free to leave suggestions in the comments!
Thanks for reading, and as always go Mariners.